It's always interesting when an inter-blog conversation takes place. In this case, a comment on this post (on halfshared's blog) prompted me to write a post about the 'red light' concept. When I sat down at my computer this afternoon I was surprised to see that halfshared had done a post on the same topic - giving the point of view of the older sister.I had originally meant for that post to be an objective question, however I quickly realized that it is impossible to be objective in such a situation. Either you are the older sister or the younger sister. If you are neither - have no one stopping you and aren't stopping anyone, then you can't even relate, so how can you give a proper opinion?
I guess it is pretty obvious in my previous post that I am leaning more towards the position of the younger sister. I had not originally planned on giving any kind of personal information about this topic on this blog but to clarify my point I will.
I understand the pain an older sister must go through knowing that her younger sister is being held back by her, however just like I cannot know the extent of older sister's feelings on the topic, she cannot know mine. The last thing I would want is for my sister to get the feeling that I resent her in any way. In fact, I care so much about her that in the past 4 years since finishing seminary I have never ever even mentioned the idea of my getting married to her. She's the older sister, that right belongs to her until she reaches that point right? She's the oldest, she's the one everyone dreamed about being first, we have planned her wedding together hundreds of times.
However, it's time to share my side of the story. My sister is not 22 and I am not 19 or 20. If being 22 is old enough to allow a younger sister to skip, then why, if the younger sister herself is already 22 is she still sitting and waiting! My sister is more than five years older than I am. She entered shidduchim when I entered high school. I have spent the past four years dancing at more weddings I can keep count of. There are those who may say that they enjoy these years of being single without the stress of being on the market, but let me ask you - how long is that so much fun? How many years can a single girl sit around? I am no longer dancing at weddings because now I am busy attending brissin and visiting friends while the baby naps.
My sister knows good and well that I have watched every single one of my friends get married, she knows good and well that I am reaching the point where I am starting to be considered 'older' in the shidduch world. Still, the idea of me, her little sister, getting married before her seems unthinkable. I want to stress and stress over and over again - I do not resent my sister at all. The fact that she isn't married is due to circumstances beyond her control. She is a normal,bright, healthy, pretty, thin woman and she deserves the very best.
It was a very difficult decision for me to make, to get up the courage and ask my sister for permission to date, and probably even harder on her part to give me that permission. She gave it reluctantly and she still has reservations about it. I don't think that she will ever be the same if I get married before her and the thought terrifies me, but how much longer can I wait? How many times do I have to bite back tears when, once again, it isn't me?
10 comments:
What I learned from my "younger sister" experience was to encourage MY younger sisters to get started as soon as they could. We each have our own bashert and simultaneous dating won't change matters one bit.
I totally hear your side. There are differences however because I am not 5 years older than my sister. We are actually 15 months apart. Nevertheless, I totally understand your point of view and the way you put it, I feel even worse about keeping my sister back. On the other hand, I don't want to be the sister that reluctantly allows her younger sister to date. If I give her the go- ahead it has to be completely from the heart. I can't even imagine what I would feel like at her lchaim vort and wedding. I will be a total basket case but I guess the same Hashem that gave me strength to get through every last one of my closest friends getting married will help me here too. I still haven't made a decision but I think I know what I'm leaning toward. Thanks for giving me your perspective! Hatzlacha with everything anda hopefully you will go one after the other..with total happiness.
My point wasn't to disagree about the concept of waiting, my question was how far is it right and fair to take it. For a girl of 19 to wait for a sister of 21 is understandable, but for someone who's 22 to be waiting for someone who's 27 just because she's the older sister and deserves to go first is ridiculous. It's like punishing someone else for your pain.
I can't say that I would be much different if I were the older sister. For a long time I didn't want to date because I felt that I couldn't do it to my dear sister, I couldn't bear to be the one to cause her any pain. I once told someone "I know what it feels like to have a knife in my heart and I don't want anyone to endure that feeling because of me."
All I can say is whatever decision you make, make it fully. my sister's reluctant yes caused me just as much heartache as her adamant no.
Side point - I don't know how it works by you but in Lubavitch there is an accepted practice to make the wedding as soon after the engagement as possible. I have had friends that got married 6 weeks after getting engaged - the average is 2 months and 3 or 4 months is considered a loooooooong time.
The only time when the short engagement thing is not enforced is when there is an older, unmarried sibling of the chosson or kallah (specifically sister of the kallah). In such a case the minhag is to prolong the engagement (not too long, preferebly not more than four months) in the hope that during this time the older sibling will also get engaged and then married before the younger sibling.
We are taught that when the older sibling is mochel the younger (at the time of her engagement) with a joyful heart she brings upon herself great brachos and segulos. In the zechus of allowing the beginning of another bayis ne'eman beyisrael, she too will be zoche to start her own home soon.
Gosh - that's one aspect of dating I don't have to deal with, thank goodness. It sounds horrible. I have friends with sisters lined up below them and they feel horribly stressed to dispose of themselves. Why oh why does it have to be this way?
We seem to "move in the same circles", and I have a similar family set-up, at least on top. My older sister is 5 1/2 years older than I am, and she didn't get married until almost 27 (I was 21.5). I don't think she would have cared either way if I had done something about my single status, as long as she felt it was the right thing for me. However, I also don't think she would have felt it was good for me to get married at that age. For me- nothing to do with her. She sees all these little kids getting married when they don't have half a clue what's flying, and she doesn't exactly approve. She was happy where she was at, and although she saw marriage in her future, she wasn't going to push it with the wrong guy. I guess it also helps to have such easygoing parents in regards to this subject. I'm now 22 1/2, still single, not specifically interested in dating (but won't turn down something applicable), and very happy with what I'm doing. I, too, hope to get married one day, but I can't imagine it now! I have a sister who will be 20 soon, and I couldn't care less if she would go ahead of me, but I know she wouldn't for the same reason that the two of us didn't.
And my older sister still managed to marry into a great family (*gasp*, she even married into tons of yichus (for whatever that's worth)!), with few people thinking there was anything wrong with her because of her age. I hope the same for myself and all others out there who prefer to wait or are not really having a choice in the matter. Life really can be a bundle of sunshine, once that does not remain the focus of it. I find that if you don't even pay attention, it creeps up on you unawares. People should take more time to get to know themselves. Tis a shame the society we live in is such that 22 year olds start to feel like spinsters.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in your situation. I'm sure I would also feel terribly conflicted about it. On the one hand, I would want to be able to move on with my own life, but at the same time, I'd be miserable about causing someone else pain.... :(
Just a clarification - I don't feel that there is something lacking in me, nor do I consider myself something 'less' just because I am single. My sister does not either sit depressed in a corner and mope about her situation. We are both functional, successful, happy human beings with many friends. This fact, however, does not negate the will and the wish to marry.
Me- I heard what you have to say and I appreciate your opinion. However, a few things did not sit well with me. Firstly-
"And my older sister still managed to marry into a great family (*gasp*, she even married into tons of yichus (for whatever that's worth)!)"
In my eyes it's worth nothing. My reservations about waiting have NOTHING to do with the worry about what kind of family I will marry into. Saying that someone got married at 27 and still 'got a good family' speaks little to me. Whoever I marry, whenever I marry him will be a good catch, forget the family - THEY aren't the ones building a new home, I don't care how many of his ancestors "hut gepisht zich in nevel" (scuse my language folks.)
Secondly - the attitude that there is something wrong with someone wanting to marry young. Just like someone who wishes to wait has made a decision that is no one's business, so too the person who wishes not to wait. My sister is wiser and more mature than she was at 21, I agree, and she does think that 20, 21 year old girls are 'little kids' but I promise you that she would rather have gotten married at 21 (as a little kid) than be where she is now.
Again, I appreciate your opinion, keep em coming!
I guess it's my turn to clarify now! When I said great family, I meant by the way they act, not their yichus. They're very accepting of our (what most people would call) weird family and welcomed her with open arms, and she is close with all of them. I'm pretty shy, and they made me feel at ease. So that's what I call great. I was being purely sarcastic when I was referring to the yichus thing. Obviously in his family, as in all families, there is a huge assortment of personalities, some which are more bearable than others. I just found it amusing that people acted surprised that "we" married into that family.
Oh, and despite the guy you marry being a good catch, the family does matter to some degree. They can either make waves or not, so it's always better to get a nice, understanding one.
What you say is true, but all too often, it looks like people are "playing house". Seriously. I don't think that all 19-21 year olds are immature and don't know what they want out of life, but it does seem that if you compare the age ranges, they fall into that category more than older people. That's not to say you won't find incredibly immature 25 year olds out there. Yes, everyone has to go at the time that is right for her, but that time is clearly not right for some, and others don't bother even trying to intervene. But, to each her own. You gotta live with the choices you make....
me- nothing held personally against you! I appreciated your comment and respect your opinion. I have my moods y'know - the 'I am so frustrated at this ridiculous shidduch system that I want to scream mood' and the 'I could care less about shidduchim right now cuz I'm living a good life mood'
I didn't mean for my rant about yichus/families to be an attack your comment at all, it was more a "hello shidduch world, you stink" kind of reaction.
I still, however, disagree with you about the age thing. The only instance when I vehemently disagree with young girls getting married (no matter how immature they are, cuz I'm not the one making their choices nor do I have to live with them) is when a girl tells her parents that she wants to wait or that she's not ready, and the parents say too bad the boy is ready, you're going out next week. That happens all too often and it is a direct result of parents being so buried in shidduchmania that they forget that this is their daughter, with feelings and needs, that they are talking about.
HASHEM, look what your daughters are going through behind the scenes out of consideration for their sisters! Have nachas, but bring on the yeshu'os!
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