Saturday, October 27, 2007
Dear Brother, Sister, Parent, and Shadchan,
It seems these days, that finding a Shidduch is a lot harder than it was in the past. There are lots of young boys and girls out there that are getting older, and are still single. Parents are making calls, Shadchanim are making calls, but it just doesn't seem to move. Aside from time it takes to make the calls and reach references, it takes lots of effort to properly evaluate prospectives and get 2 names in the same plate. When someone makes a call to a reference, they hear something they don't like and the suggestion is closed. It is my firm belief that people don't know how to evaluate other people properly and might mention some “major” aspect of a single that really only represents 5% of their total character and personality, but since that is all what the other side hears, they give it heavy consideration in their decision. How many good matches were prevented from going forward for this simple and foolish reason? Shidduchim should be investigated with the accuracy of a crime lab! We should not take some mindless-by-the-way remark someone said about another and consider as evidence good enough for a court. I plead and beg from whoever is involved in the shidduch making process to please take this heart. A brilliant cut diamond has 58 facets, how many does a person have?
References: Always ask yourself when describing someone else, “Is what I'm saying representative of them at least 50%?” If it's not, tell people what you think the quality of your answer is. Remember that people who call you may have no prior information about this person and what you say add pieces to their puzzle. Some callers might have a small number of peices to fill so what you say will fill a large area of their total picture. Also, if somone calls you at a time that interrupts whatever you're doing, inform them to call back at a different time when your head will think straighter and you can give clearer answers. It is not fair to the the subject person if your mind is fuzzy. This is a major responsibility on your part and if the match works out because of you, your reward will be great.
Parents and Shadchanim: When someone mentions a certain quality or chisaron, you should probe further, and try to clarify; does this accurately represent the subject person? Try to come up with specific and logical questions that will help you narrow down and get a higher quality answer. Do not ask people “How do you think xyz would react if you saw him/her in the following situation?...” There may be no definitive answer to this, and external factors such as who is present, and what the atmosphere is like, could influence their reaction to be different from time to time. The right questions will get the right answers.
Another issue which comes as a result of the lack of accurate information and research is bad rumors. How many times have good matches been turned down based on some left field rumor that may not even be true! “Oh, I heard that he is such and such...” and we consider this rumor to be true without us at least giving it a second thought and at most giving the family a chance to defend themselves. Aside from being Lashon Hara, this is really ruining what could be alot of good Shidduchim!
I do not want this to be construed as an advertisement, hence my anonymity, however I am a regular bochur that has gone to Lubavitch schools and Yeshivos, I have Smicha, and of the working class (i.e. non-shlichus). There is nothing wrong with me, just due to something unique about me, people view me in wildly different ways. This has led to some interesting rumors about me, some of which were positive, some of which were unflattering. I am still a bochur. I do not want to be sugar coated, but I don't want to be defamed either. I just want to be viewed as my real me.Whoever is successful in making a Shidduch, you should be blessed, you have created a new home for the Jewish people.
Gmar Chasima Tova,
Monday, October 15, 2007
The morning of the vort I went to school, taught, then raced home. I got all dressed up and off I went to Monsey. As far as the wedding, I got back from Monsey very late I pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't going to the wedding. On my way back I spoke to someone who had left the wedding 20 minutes before I spoke to her and she told me that when she left it seemed like the music would be ending soon. I was a little upset because somewhere in the back of my mind I had decided that maybe I'd make it to the wedding after all. Anyway, I decided that even though the wedding was probably over, I would stop by the hall (which is 3 blocks from my house - not such a big deal) and see if the chosson and kallah were at least still there so I could say mazal tov to her while she was wearing her wedding gown. Basically, when I walked up to the wedding hall, there were people milling around and no one gave me a backward glance that I can so late, and as I walked in, lo and behold, the music was still blasting! I walked into the wedding at midnight and I stayed there until one thirty in the morning!!! The kallah was SHOCKED to see me when I walked in (and so was everyone else, because I told everyone that I wouldn't be at the wedding lest they think that I would miss the wedding for some other reasons... ahem...).
Bottom line is mir ken nisht tantzen oif tsvay chasunos aber vu a chossid vill tantzen er vet tantzen.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I have been thinking about the fact that my blog is called Teach Your Heart Out and I seldom write about anything that is related to teaching. It's not that I don't have what to write on the topic, but it's difficult to write about my personal teaching experiences without breaching the privacy of my students and they're parents, and of course the interesting stories are the ones that have to remain private...