Worth Reading

This was written and shown to the public a few months ago. There are some good points here, however please note that although I agree with much of what is written here, I am not the author, nor do I know who the auther is.

Dear Brother, Sister, Parent, and Shadchan,

It seems these days, that finding a Shidduch is a lot harder than it was in the past. There are lots of young boys and girls out there that are getting older, and are still single. Parents are making calls, Shadchanim are making calls, but it just doesn't seem to move. Aside from time it takes to make the calls and reach references, it takes lots of effort to properly evaluate prospectives and get 2 names in the same plate. When someone makes a call to a reference, they hear something they don't like and the suggestion is closed. It is my firm belief that people don't know how to evaluate other people properly and might mention some “major” aspect of a single that really only represents 5% of their total character and personality, but since that is all what the other side hears, they give it heavy consideration in their decision. How many good matches were prevented from going forward for this simple and foolish reason? Shidduchim should be investigated with the accuracy of a crime lab! We should not take some mindless-by-the-way remark someone said about another and consider as evidence good enough for a court. I plead and beg from whoever is involved in the shidduch making process to please take this heart. A brilliant cut diamond has 58 facets, how many does a person have?

References: Always ask yourself when describing someone else, “Is what I'm saying representative of them at least 50%?” If it's not, tell people what you think the quality of your answer is. Remember that people who call you may have no prior information about this person and what you say add pieces to their puzzle. Some callers might have a small number of peices to fill so what you say will fill a large area of their total picture. Also, if somone calls you at a time that interrupts whatever you're doing, inform them to call back at a different time when your head will think straighter and you can give clearer answers. It is not fair to the the subject person if your mind is fuzzy. This is a major responsibility on your part and if the match works out because of you, your reward will be great.

Parents and Shadchanim: When someone mentions a certain quality or chisaron, you should probe further, and try to clarify; does this accurately represent the subject person? Try to come up with specific and logical questions that will help you narrow down and get a higher quality answer. Do not ask people “How do you think xyz would react if you saw him/her in the following situation?...” There may be no definitive answer to this, and external factors such as who is present, and what the atmosphere is like, could influence their reaction to be different from time to time. The right questions will get the right answers.

Another issue which comes as a result of the lack of accurate information and research is bad rumors. How many times have good matches been turned down based on some left field rumor that may not even be true! “Oh, I heard that he is such and such...” and we consider this rumor to be true without us at least giving it a second thought and at most giving the family a chance to defend themselves. Aside from being Lashon Hara, this is really ruining what could be alot of good Shidduchim!

I do not want this to be construed as an advertisement, hence my anonymity, however I am a regular bochur that has gone to Lubavitch schools and Yeshivos, I have Smicha, and of the working class (i.e. non-shlichus). There is nothing wrong with me, just due to something unique about me, people view me in wildly different ways. This has led to some interesting rumors about me, some of which were positive, some of which were unflattering. I am still a bochur. I do not want to be sugar coated, but I don't want to be defamed either. I just want to be viewed as my real me.Whoever is successful in making a Shidduch, you should be blessed, you have created a new home for the Jewish people.

Gmar Chasima Tova,
HaBochur HaTomim