In my dating days - way back when, so many moons ago - I always reacted with mixed feelings when a [newly] married friend made a suggestion for me. On the one hand I resented it because I felt like people were just suggesting baseless names, going down the list of their husband's previous chavrusas and roommates and playing the match up game without giving a second thought - and that annoyed me, especially when the suggestions came from girls who didn't really know me, and ESPECIALLY when they would give me speeches about not being picky.
On the other hand I really appreciated the fact that they even thought of me and cared enough to go through with their suggestion. That really meant a lot to me.
I've never really had the urge to marry off all my friends to all my husbands friends, and I've been very wary of crossing that fine line between caring about a friend and pushing a shidduch, so much so that I simply have not played the newly-wed game of 'match it'.
Recently though, the tables sorta turned. My husband has a good friend who he's been coaching through dating. After this boy's last dating saga we were talking about the kind of guy he is and the kind of girl he's looking for, when suddenly a friend's name popped into my head. I played with the idea of suggesting a name for a friend for a few seconds and then decided that I would not make the suggestion.
Why? Picture this:
Me: dialing....
Mrs. So-and-so: "hello"
Me: "Hi, Mrs. So-and-so, this is Miss Teacher, -----'s friend"
Mrs: "Hi Miss Teacher, how can I help you?"
Me: "Well I'm calling to redt a boy for ----, his name is ----"
Mrs: "What can you tell me about him"
Me: "Well he's smart, charming, kind hearted, successful..."
Mrs: "And what else can you tell me about him?"
Me: "Ummm well I don't really know him that well, he's my husband's friend, um you're welcome to speak to him if you'd like."
Mrs: "Well, does your husband know my daughter?"
Me: "Um no not really, well you see I just thought it might be a good idea so I figured I'd suggest it."
Mrs: "If you don't know this boy and your husband doesn't know my daughter what makes you think this a good idea??"
So no, I decided that since I really don't know this boy, and my husband doesn't know this girl I'm not going to make the call.
The problem with that resolve was that my husband really is good friends with this boy, and he really wants to help him, so he didn't let me off the hook so fast. He really really didn't let me off the hook, so much so that I finally made the call.
And guess what. Almost exactly what I had imagined happened. A little less hesitation, a little more politeness but pretty much the same. Until I finally stated that I'm not here to offend anyone in anyway, I'm just making a suggestion and it never hurt anyone to make a few phone calls to see if it's shayach. THEN she said, [quote] "Well he sounds like a very good boy, can you please email his references." Sigh, why'd you have to make me sooooooo crazy for 30 minutes!!! I don't know how fast I'm going to do this again...
Side point: I'm gonna have to figure a good bloggy name for my husband or I'll just have to stop mentioning him in my posts because this 'my husband' thing is getting to me. Any suggestions????
5 comments:
How about Mr. Teacher? lol
I think it is nice when friends try to make shidduchim. After all, it is the friends that really know the person.
But I know what you mean. I have actually been trying since I got engaged to redht a single shidduch, one that I think is very very close on the mark, and it is so difficult.
please please please keep suggesting names. Most people do appreciate the gesture even if it is not shayach and more shidduchim come from friends suggesting friends of their husbands/wives, than through regular shadchanim.
Just this past week. 2 different friends called me to suggest names. IN the end they may not be shayach, but the suggestions are welcome and more frequent than the official shadchanim.
i know it may be uncomfortable, but the fact that you got married and now have access to many more boys (through your husband) you can really help your single friends out.
IF you feel uncomfortable about calling the girl's parents, call the girl and just suggest the name..
go out of yourself a little, even it you feel stupid.. you really are doing much more for the "shidduch crisis" if you speak up instead of chickening out...
Bravo to Rabbi Teacher for pushing you! I'm a little surprised at your reticence...although I understand that it's uncomfortable, if you actually had an idea, how can you hold it back? If you're not comfortable redting it yourself, why not pass along the suggestion to someone older (like your mother)?
In all honesty, I don't think a little awkwardness is enough of a turn-off. (though I can think of plenty of other exonerating reasons). So what do you have to lose if they say "well if you don't really know them, no thanks"?
Yasher koach for trying.
Shadchan is an acronym for Sheker doveir, kesef noteil. The Alter Rebbe says that a shidduch is not supposed to be done rationally. One should still be sensitive, of course.
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