Teach Your Heart Out

Catching Up

2009-03-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

I once had an employer who told me about a friend of hers who got married when she was 26 or 27. In my employers words:
"How long does the race matter for anyway, now she's 40 and she has 9 kids, I would say she caught up"

Aidel's post a while ago and Bad4's recent post inspired some thinking on my part. When does the race end? Does it matter that many of my friends are still a stage ahead of me?

I missed the bris of a close friend's 2nd baby because I went into labor that morning. I gave birth to my first baby 24 hours after a friend gave birth to her second - same doctor, same hospital... Just to name a few...

When I was finally engaged they had moved on from talking about sheitels and supper menus to talking about doctors and doulas. When I was finally married they moved on to talk about strollers brands and diaper companies. When I was pregnant they were talking about sleeping through the night and dealing with overturned garbage cans. I can join a lot of conversations by now. I can tell you about 30 million different strollers that I looked into, which baby swing I chose, nursing woes and dreaming about sleeping through the night. But guess what - I can't yet join the conversations about double strollers, about sibling rivalry, about playgroups, potty training and about where in my 1 bedroom apartment to stick my 2 year old's crib.

But seriously during a 3 am feeding, or while I'm stripping my linens and cleaning out the aftermath of a diaper leak, or when my baby opens her eyes wide and makes her mouth into a perfect little o shape, or when she snuggles up agaist my chest falls fast asleep so peacefully, or even when she cries and cries for no apparant reason it really does not matter if I'm one or two or ten stages behind my friends, I am where I am and I'm happy with my life.

My Perspective Has Changed

2009-03-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

I had to do something very painful and difficult today. I actually cried when it was over. I went to be menachem avel a family - a wonderful, beautiful family, a Rabbi and Rebbetzin who are so completely given over to their community, loved by all. The family is sitting shiva after the passing of their sweet, innocent 9 year old son and brother who passed away in his sleep on Shabbos.

There were thousands at his levaya. Hundreds were at the chapel in Boro Park, thousands escorted this wonderful little boy as the levaya passed by 770 in Crown Heights, more than 150 cars drove behind the family to the cemetery, hundreds more escorted him as they passed by his family's shul in Long Island, and hundreds more greeted him at the cemetery itself.

As I sat in little Levi's z"l living room today I listened to his mother speak. She spoke about how as busy as her schedule was she sometimes found a little pocket of free time on her calendar. She spoke about how at one of these times she picked her son up from school and took him snow tubing. She spoke about times that her son needed some extra attention so she let him daven at home and drove him to school a little late instead of rushing him off to the bus with the other kids. The she looked around the room and said to the crowd of women sitting there -

"I apologize if there are educators in this room who get offended by what I say, but mothers - I urge you to spend time with your children. I urge you to appreciate those little spots of extra time that you have with them. Please stay in tune with your child's needs - listen and see if he needs just those extra five minutes of your time and attention, if he needs it and you give to him he will gain tremendously."

She read some entries from his school journal - many of them spoke of times that he spent alone with his mother, his writing rang with pride.

As I left I thought about this woman who has ka"h a large, growing family, runs a shul, a preschool and countless other programs, easily has 30 people at her shabbos table, 50 people at her yom tov table. I thought about how she must hardly have time for herself and yet she manages to stay so in tune with her children's needs.

I also thought about myself, and my job as a teacher. Teaching to me is not a job, it's a passion. I love every minute that I am interacting with my students. I thought about those students who sometimes come late, those students who sometimes miss school or leave early. I thought about them and realized how lucky they are and how lucky their parents are - just to get to spend those extra few minutes with them.

Then I looked at my tiny little Chaya Mushka ka"h and I promised myself -

School is important, it will always be, but I won't forget to listen to my child, I won't forget.

News

2009-02-24T12:56:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been around the blog for a while, been busy with stuff...

I'm back only to tell you that I might be gone for another little while -

baby girl teacher was born last week and we're getting on quite well so far!

She's very very cute and her mommy is very very tired.

I'll be back, don't give up on me!

Attn Daters

2009-01-08T16:45:00.000-08:00

I need your help!

I need ideas for hotel lobby dating in Manhattan other than:

The Four Seasons
The Waldorf
St. Regis
Mariott Marquis

Just helping the hubby's chavrusa out.

Creativity

2009-01-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

I recently had an accidental interview with the director of a school in another state. I did not enjoy it. Not one little bit.

For starters, this man is the director - that means he raises the money and signs the checks. Oh, and it means that his name is on the stationary. He is not the principal, does not teach, and isn't exactly that enlightened as to teaching methods in lower elementary school.

At one point he asked me - "What are some creative things you do in the classroom?"
The truth is that I wasn't expecting to be interviewed and I was not at all prepared for any questions he would ask me - especially not that one, so I hesitated for about 1.5 seconds. During that 1.5 seconds he continued by telling me something one of his teachers did that he thought was exceptional. In fact he really got excited about when he spoke about it.

His 2nd grade teacher had the students create a journal while they learned parshas Noach. The students each had to choose one character from the parsha and write a journal from that character's point of view - "One student chose to be lion!"

That specific part of the interview annoyed me. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it.

When a teacher prepares a chumash lesson it is important to be creative. In fact, it's imperative. However, whatever creativity a teacher includes in her lesson is merely a means to accomplish a goal. I can have my students write journals about the parshios we learn in chumash class, that will foster creative thinking and creative writing - but it will NOT give them, teach them, or help them practice the skills they need to know in order to learn chumash! Let's not mix up priorities over here - if a school director can tell me that his 2nd graders have the cutest journals, but he has no clue if the students know that ו means and and that ה means the, or that the shoresh of the word ויאמר is אמר then I don't care how creative his 2nd grade teacher is, I am less than impressed.

Ohad - Shir Hashluchim - Composed By Yossi Green

2008-12-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

Mission of Love - Gavriel and Rivkah Holtzberg and their Guests, Part 2

2008-12-06T19:08:00.001-08:00

Mission of Love - Gavriel and Rivkah Holtzberg, and Their Guests, Part 1

2008-12-06T19:07:00.001-08:00

OT PT ST P3 ESL...

2008-12-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

I am here to vent my frustration.

The frum school system has come a long way in the past decade as far as providing services for children in need. These include - reading help, math help, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy and on and on. Our school, like many others, is affiliated with yeled v'yalda and we have a whole slew of therapists and proffessionals who work full time at my school.
Over the years I have come to know, associate with, and become friendly with the therapists who frequent my classroom, and I generally carry a pretty good relationship with them. One of them "Mrs. A.", a speech therapist, has an especially outgoing and lively personality.
Well here's where the problem began.

Episode 1
Mrs. A. walked into my classroom in Elul and saw that the students were learning about tekias shofar. She quietly walked over to me and asked me if she could just observe the child instead of pulling her out because she did not want the child to miss an important lesson. I agreed. Well, Mrs. A. did not just stand quietly, observe the student and write some notes, Mrs. A. stood near the child's desk and 'helped' her follow along. This lasted a full 15 minutes.

Episode 2
Mrs. A. came to school on Friday - teachers don't like to send students out on such short days, so she usually uses Fridays for paperwork. My Friday schedule usually looks something like this:
9:00-9:30: Tefila
9:30-9:50: Kriah
9:50-10:45: Chumash
10:45-11:00: Recess
11:00-11:50: Parsha
11:50-12:00: Pack up
12:00: Dismissal

For some reason that day I had decided to switch my parsha and chumash lessons and so I was teaching parsha at 10:15 when Mrs. A. walked in. She told me that since she had missed a day of work that week she was making up the session by observing "Ahuva" in class. She stood in the back of the classroom as the class came up with some titles summerizing the parsha. I wrote our brainstorms on the board and asked the students to copy them down on their parsha sheets. It happened to be that I needed to stand somewhere for no more than 60 seconds while they were writing and I partially blocked the view of the board from some students. I was aware of this and I apoligized to my students, told them I would move in less than a minute and then they would be able to see. Within 10 seconds of this announcement Mrs. A. was at my desk asking me if I could move over so that the kids could see. I moved as soon as I was able when I did she said to - "Morah, the students really couldn't see the board!"

I then continued my parsha lesson during which she interrupted me twice to give her own examples of what I was teaching. After that I gave the students a few quiet minutes during which they would illustrate points from the parsha we had learned. During this "quiet time" Mrs. A. circled my classroom while commenting and talking to the kids she passed about what they drew. Suddenly 25 kids ALL wanted Mrs. A. to come see their paper and she was hopping around the classroom. Needless to say, there was NO quiet time involved over here.

Episode 3
One of my last classes before Sukkos. I had such a creative lesson planned about the 4 minim. Right as I was starting my lesson Mrs. A. walked in. This time it was to ask me about a schedule change. She tried to ask me her question while I was teaching and I told I couldn't talk right then. Well, she decided to stay - again with the reason that she was observing "Ahuva" and "Racheli."
She interrupted me countless times to 're-explain' what I was saying because "some of the students didn't catch on the first time." She stood near the board and wrote down what she thought would make things clearer for the students. She was showing them motions to help them remember what they were learning - while I was teaching!!

I dismissed the class to recess 10 minutes early.

I've better 4 minim lessons in my teaching career. Way better.

Episode 3
6 weeks passed without an incident (2 of them were Sukkos vacation).
Today she came into my classroom again. She wanted to ask me about a schedule change that she had asked me about at least 5 times this year - I did not approve, it was not a good time for that particular child to miss class. Then she stayed. She stood near "Shani." Shani is not a student she works with. Shani has an extremely difficult time following multi step directions. Shani's visual comprehension is also not good and worksheets are very hard for her. Shani also has poor handwriting. She does not have a speech problem - she never leaves class to see Mrs. A. I know all this about Shani - I know her weaknesses and strengths.
Mrs. A. stood near Shani's desk while we did a chumash worksheet. She helped Shani the whole way through. The entire class had their eyes turned toward Mrs. A. wondering what she was doing and wishing she would come help them.
Then Mrs. A. came over to me - in the middle of the chumash lesson - to ask me if I knew that Shani had some issues. I was not willing to discuss it with her so she went to my desk, rummaged around to until she found a paper to write on - and wrote me a whole note about Shani.

How many red flags have you seen in these stories?
They are all true, they all happened this school year with one Mrs. A.

Timing

2008-11-30T06:04:00.000-08:00

For those of you who may attention to small details -

The times on this blog are about 4 hours off. I did not post at 5 am - it was more like 9 am.

What Can I Say

2008-11-30T05:44:00.001-08:00

I opened the blog this morning with the intention to write down some of my thoughts and feelings.
I, along with the rest of my community, as well as the Jewish community at large, spent almost three emotionally charged and emotionally stressful days giving extra tzedaka, saying tehillim around the clock, baking challah and keeping our eyes and ears glued to screens and to phones waiting for some sort of information upon which we could gather hope.

It was not meant to be.

Did I know Gavriel and Rivky Holtzberg? No I did not know them personally, but I knew them. I knew them as well as any other young Lubavitch woman who shares the same goal, the same dream, the same mission as I do and as Rivky Holtzberg did. He was a child of the neighborhood I live in. His parents live down the block from me. His niece was my student a few years ago. Another niece learns in the classroom next door to mine this year.

Rosh Chodesh Kislev is a special day on the Chabad calendar. It is usually a day of great joy, of festivity, of celebration. Now, this day of joy is marred by horrific tragedy. As I sang the "Rosh Chodesh Kislev Niggun," a joyful niggun attributed to that significant day on our "chassidishe calendar," with my class on Friday, I heard mourning instead of joy, I saw tragedy instead of celebration.

This is not how it is supposed to be.

Many have already written essays. Many have expressed their thoughts. As for me - there is nothing for me to say. This is sad time in my community. A sad time indeed.

Check this out if you're interested in more.

You can listen to the nigun I mentioned here.

Boruch Dayan HaEmes

2008-11-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

Taken from cnn.com:

Chabad House
Friday, 2000 local time (0930 ET) -- The bodies of five hostages have been found in the Chabad House, an Israeli Foreign Ministry official said Friday. Spokesman Haim Hoshen told an Israel news station the bodies had been found. Rabbi Gavriel Noach Holtzberg, the city's envoy for the community, and his wife were among the dead in Chabad House, said Rabbi Zalman Shmotkin, a spokesman for Chabad-Lubavitch International in the United States. Earlier, Commissioner of Mumbai Police Hasan Gafoor said the standoff at the Chabad House was in its "final stages." Hours earlier, two dozen soldiers landed on the rooftop of the five-story building. Throngs of onlookers crowded into terraces of nearby buildings and heard sounds of gunfire and at least 10 explosions coming from inside. The Nariman House is the Mumbai headquarters of the Chabad, a Hasidic Jewish movement. Rabbi Gavriel Noach Holtzberg, the city's envoy for the Chabad community, and his wife were believed to be among those inside. Israeli newspaper Haaretz reported that Sandra Samuel, a cook for the center who had barricaded herself in a room in the house, said she grabbed a toddler whom she identified as Holtzberg's son and fled the building with another person. "I took the child. I just grabbed the baby and ran out," Samuel told Haaretz.

In this time of tragedy may we find the strength and emunah to continue doing all we can to bring an aliya to these neshamos kedoshos.

PLEASE SAY TEHILLIM

2008-11-27T14:53:00.001-08:00

I'm sure you are all aware of the terrible situation in India right now. Please say and continue to say Tehillim for Chabad shliach and his wife, Gavriel ben Fraida Bluma and Rivka bas Yehudis, as well as for the other Jews who are currently being held hostage by terrorist gunman.

May Hashem grant us a yeshua!!

New Template

2008-11-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

I decided that I was getting quite tired of the template that has been on this blog since I started it, so I began surfing the web for a new one. Big problem. Can't decide. If any of you by any chance come across a template that you think might match teachurheartout please do me a favor - post the link as a comment to this post.

Thanks!

ETA - I chose one what do you think??

Response

2008-11-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

To Deborah Shaya

** You can read Deborah Shaya's comment to my sheitel post here

I have no idea if you are a reader of my blog or if you are simply using internet search engines to spam every blog you can find with your unwanted and unsolicited advice. I will not argue with you about what is right or wrong, I will simply state the following:

I am Lubavitch and proud to be so. I know that there are (sadly) people out there who may view me and my path of Judaism in the negative, I am truly sorry to hear that.

Being the observant Jew that I am, I follow the piskei dinim of Rabbonim, as Jews have been doing for centuries. I do not invent my own versions of halacha, and I do not do things because I like it better that way. As far as covering hair, Lubavitch (and many many many others) paskens according to the Tzemach Tzedek who writes:

"Privately, in the presence of her husband, a woman is permitted to expose 'side hairs' (the hair growing in front of her upper ear) which extend beyond her kerchief. While other men are present, however, there is no heter to do so....

Fore hair protruding beyond the kerchief is halachically identical with erva - nakedness just as (or even more severe than) the exposure of the leg...

Exposure of the hair outside the kerchief is pritzuz - licentiousness...

To expose the least bit of hair is absolutely prohibited... any who thinks this is permitted has obviously forgotten the gemara that even school boys know..."

This is a direct (translated) quote from the tshuva of the Tzemach Tzedek on Even Hoezer and Yoreh De'ah, as well as his commentary on Shas (G' Brachos)

This is my halachic source for covering my all my hair all the time - I will not argue that point any further.

As far as your rant against sheitels. I am aware that rabbonim have instituted bans against sheitels - I am not only educated with one (narrow) way of thinking, nor is my knowledge limited to what those around me do. However, there are plenty of sources that refute your point by saying that once the hair is removed from the body it no longer has the status of the person it belonged to, meaning - hair that has been removed cannot carry the tuma of the person it grew on.

If you have never learned these sources go educate yourself before making outlandish, unintelligent comments on people's blogs.

Hi

2008-11-13T15:47:00.001-08:00

I took a long, well needed break from this blog. I'm not really sure why I needed it, but I did.

It had nothing to do with being a newlywed and 'forgetting about my friends." (just for clarification's sake).

Welcome back to me.

2008-06-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

Who do you think is more excited when the school year finally ends - teacher or students? ;)

2008-06-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

Me: Sorry the rice is burned, um I hope you don't mind, I really didn't have time to make something else before you got home...

Him: It's ok, what happened though? You forgot about it?

Me: Um, well you see, um I was reading Miracle Ride

Introducing...

2008-06-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

Rabbi Teacher it is.

On The Other Side Now

2008-05-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

In my dating days - way back when, so many moons ago - I always reacted with mixed feelings when a [newly] married friend made a suggestion for me. On the one hand I resented it because I felt like people were just suggesting baseless names, going down the list of their husband's previous chavrusas and roommates and playing the match up game without giving a second thought - and that annoyed me, especially when the suggestions came from girls who didn't really know me, and ESPECIALLY when they would give me speeches about not being picky.

On the other hand I really appreciated the fact that they even thought of me and cared enough to go through with their suggestion. That really meant a lot to me.

I've never really had the urge to marry off all my friends to all my husbands friends, and I've been very wary of crossing that fine line between caring about a friend and pushing a shidduch, so much so that I simply have not played the newly-wed game of 'match it'.

Recently though, the tables sorta turned. My husband has a good friend who he's been coaching through dating. After this boy's last dating saga we were talking about the kind of guy he is and the kind of girl he's looking for, when suddenly a friend's name popped into my head. I played with the idea of suggesting a name for a friend for a few seconds and then decided that I would not make the suggestion.

Why? Picture this:

Me: dialing....

Mrs. So-and-so: "hello"

Me: "Hi, Mrs. So-and-so, this is Miss Teacher, -----'s friend"

Mrs: "Hi Miss Teacher, how can I help you?"

Me: "Well I'm calling to redt a boy for ----, his name is ----"

Mrs: "What can you tell me about him"

Me: "Well he's smart, charming, kind hearted, successful..."

Mrs: "And what else can you tell me about him?"

Me: "Ummm well I don't really know him that well, he's my husband's friend, um you're welcome to speak to him if you'd like."

Mrs: "Well, does your husband know my daughter?"

Me: "Um no not really, well you see I just thought it might be a good idea so I figured I'd suggest it."

Mrs: "If you don't know this boy and your husband doesn't know my daughter what makes you think this a good idea??"

So no, I decided that since I really don't know this boy, and my husband doesn't know this girl I'm not going to make the call.

The problem with that resolve was that my husband really is good friends with this boy, and he really wants to help him, so he didn't let me off the hook so fast. He really really didn't let me off the hook, so much so that I finally made the call.

And guess what. Almost exactly what I had imagined happened. A little less hesitation, a little more politeness but pretty much the same. Until I finally stated that I'm not here to offend anyone in anyway, I'm just making a suggestion and it never hurt anyone to make a few phone calls to see if it's shayach. THEN she said, [quote] "Well he sounds like a very good boy, can you please email his references." Sigh, why'd you have to make me sooooooo crazy for 30 minutes!!! I don't know how fast I'm going to do this again...

Side point: I'm gonna have to figure a good bloggy name for my husband or I'll just have to stop mentioning him in my posts because this 'my husband' thing is getting to me. Any suggestions????

Spoken Unspoken

2008-05-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

I remember sitting at my first Kallah class thinking to myself, "what is she going to tell me that I don't already know?"

I mean seriously, I was far from the first of my crowd to marry, among the last to be precise, I'm not naive in the slightest, there are books - I know how to read... but I was a Kallah, so soon after I got engaged I wrote the check, signed up for the class and braced myself.

I think that the biggest shock of my entire kallah class was listening to my kallah teacher, a very very frum - and looks the part - lady speak. She had a very practical, straightforward way of presenting things. She didn't beat around the bush, she didn't smile and say "you're chosson will know" and yet every single one of her classes were given within the very strict boundaries of tznius, never once crossing the line.

The second eye opener can be explained in one word: ME

Yes, I may have read books, but this wasn't about a book, this was about me. I've walked by the local mikveh dozens of times, but now I wouldn't merely be walking by I would be walking in. Strange, the whole thing, just strange. And life changing.

Now a message to my single friends:

Hopefully one day in the very near future you too will be able to partake in this mitzvah. However, until then, please hear me out, and hopefully in the zchus of your sensitivity you will be rewarded for helping others with a beautiful, yet sometimes challenging and difficult mitzvah.

I suppose one of the many adjustments to taking on a new mitzvah is timing. Up until this point in my life the word "sh'kiah" meant two things: hadlakas haneiros and mincha. Now it means a third, Taharas Hamishpacha.

Sometimes, dear friends, your married friend might not be able to make it to that shiur, or speaker or whatever else it is. It's not because she doesn't care, nor because she's cooking chicken for supper, though she might say so. It might very well be because she needs to be home at that time and she doesn't want to say because it's no one's business.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine invited me to a shabbos shiur. I didn't want to miss it, so I figured if I go on time I can stay for 45 minutes and still make it home before sh'kiah. About 15 minutes after I arrived, another girl announced "I can only stay another 10 minutes or so, I can't leave my baby for so long." Sure enough, 10 minutes later she excused herself and left. No one blinked. 20 minutes later, I excused myself and left, however, when I stood up to leave the response was "Miss Teacher, your baby is crying?" The host was obviously upset that her shiur wasn't important enough to me to stay the whole time. I quipped back something like "Yeah my baby's hungry, gotta go feed him," and hurried out.

I contemplated the idea of being more abrupt. Maybe that would calm people down a little bit. How about, "it's your shabbos kallah this week? What time? I'm so sorry I won't be able to make it, you see I hope to do a hefsek tahara this shabbos. Or I might leave the shiur a bit early/come a bit late because I have to a bedika. Or I'm so sorry I only came to a few minutes of your vort, it was my mikveh night. Maybe then people would be a bit more understanding.

The bottom line is. Don't let your imagination run wild, it's not your business what your friend is doing and why she can't attend a particular event. Do use sensitivity and understanding when your friend doesn't show up or has to leave early etc. ESPECIALLY when she's newly married and everything is still new, unfamiliar, unsettling and at times nerve wracking.

Sheitels Revisited

2008-05-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to aidelknaidel - good luck hun!

Aidel asked about my sheitel so here goes:

A good friend once put it wisely. Wearing a sheitel has its stages.

Stage 1: Not so bad
Stage 2: I got used it
Stage 3: Hey that's me in the mirror
Stage 4: Hey that's me in the mirror and I don't look so bad
Stage 5: Hey that's me in the mirror and I look good
Stage 6: Hey that's me in the mirror and I like how I look
Stage 7: My sheitel is so comfortable I hardly feel it.

I think I'm up to somewhere between stage 4 and stage 5

-------

Sidepoint - you're probably getting loads of advice from everyone and everywhere, so you're welcome to ignore this if you really want (especially since you did not ask for advice!!!). My personal experience has been that for some reason I always took advice from my small circle of blog friends slightly more seriously - I'm not sure why - aomething to do with everyone being anonymous.

1. Sheitel Companies - boy do people have an opinion on this one!

Long sheitels get knotty. I have two shevys - they both tangle very badly, my sister in law has Noas and they tangle, my friend has a David - it tangles. One friend has a Shuly and it never tangled but the hair started falling out after about 5 months.

Don't let anyone convice you that one Sheitel company is better than another. They're all the same, they're all overpriced and the main thing is that when you put the sheitel on , you want to look good.

2. Testing it out.

Before your sheitel macher cuts the wig, ask her to wash it and let it air dry. A good sheitel should air dry nicely, if it gets frizzy thats exactly how you will look after the rain.

If you are nervous about cutting you sheitel ask your sheitel macher to cut just a bit and then take it home and wear it around the house, you'll look in the mirror enough times to decide what you want to do with it. You don't have to chop your sheitels before you wedding, you can have the front and sides cut and then decide what you want to do with it after you've really been wearing for long periods of time.

Wear it wear it wear it. Once you take your sheitel home practice putting it on, taking it off, putting it on a sheitel head, etc. If you're brave you can practice making a pony, half pony, wearing a headband, using clips, boppy pins, claws etc. The more you get used to it now the easier it will when it's for real.

3. Wash and Sets Cost $$$$$!

Ask your sheitel macher or someone you know who knows how to care for sheitels to give you a crash course in how to wash and set a sheitel. Invest in a good blow dryer (if you don't already have one) - I would say visio or elchim save yourself a lot of money.

Very Important: Make sure your sheitel macher will back your sheitel. Most sheitels come with a one year warranty - don't let anyone convince you that your sheitel is fine if you ch''v feel that it is not!

Brooklyn Epidemic

2008-05-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Cute as he may look in a picture I do NOT want to be sharing my living quarters with him.

`nuff said.

I"m Back and I Missed You!!!!

2008-04-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a looooong while folks, but no I did not desert you. On the contrary, I thought about my bloggy friends more than most during these past two weeks.
The explenation:
The wireless card on my laptop started going a little querky about two weeks before my wedding. Lucky for me I happened to have been living in a NY basement with three other women (not girls, girls where uniforms and do spelling homework, women work for a living, pay taxes, but their own food and pay rent - at least those women who get ejected from their homes and shippen off to the dating Mecca lest they stay right were they are and make all prospects saddle their horses to court them- they have to pay rent... not to get sidetracked or anything) anyway, I live with three other women and three other computers - no we weren't nice enough to share - hence three other methods of connnecting to the internet.
Sometime during the week of and the week after my wedding, the card stopped working completely. Sigh. Between living out of boxes and suitcases in a rented basement for 6 weeks while we waited for our lovely Brooklyn apartment to be ready, and then repacking, moving, upacking again, and finally setting up the new apartment, oh and by the way working full time, who had time and patience to sit on the phone with some customer service rep in india trying yo convince him that the computer is still under warranty and that they should really fix it for me!
Anyway, I finally did it, got the the box and sent it in thinking it would be two weeks before I got it back. Luckily it wasn't two weeks but the computer came back the day before we left town for pesach.

So, to make a long story short or a short story long, I'm back. And I have soooooooooooo much to say I'm not even sure I can organize it enough to write it down... Don't give up on me though!

Mazel Tov

2008-02-18T18:41:00.000-08:00

Will blog again after the wedding. Love you all.

2008-02-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

The wig.

Oh what a topic of conversation this can be!

"What kind of sheitel is it? Who did you buy it from? Who cut it for you? Oh her? Is she good? I mean I know a lot of people go to her, but I've heard things... It's a Shevy? You should know that Shevys knot up, I'm just warning you, take care of it before it gets really bad... Do you mind me asking how much you paid? $$$$??? Are you serious? It's crazy! Sheitels just cost so much! What color is this? A 4? A 6? Just keep in mind that at the end of the summer it's going to be much lighter, you're gonna have to re-dye it. How many inches? 16? 14? 18? Are you planning on wearing it up or down? Personally I think that all sheitels look the same, you know side bangs, bottle curls... Are you planning on wearing it like you wear your hair? You know in six months you're not going to really care if your sheitel looks like your hair, you're just going to want it to look nice. Is it comfortable? You'll get used to it, it's like putting on glasses for the first time. Just get ready to start finding bald spots where the clips are, they really pull out your hair. This isn't your only sheitel is it?"

And then when they finally stop their thirty minute monologue to take a breath, I interject with "I really don't remember asking your opinion..."

Ok, ok, I'm not THAT rude but I do really feel like saying that sometimes.

The one thing (if only one) I've learned during this whole sheitel buying, beginning of sheitel wearing, realizing that I'm actually going to be wearing a sheitel, and just plain old sheitel business is this:

No matter how much money I spend, no matter which sheitel macher I go to, no matter how natural my sheitel looks, no matter what, when I look into the mirror I see a sheitel. Period. To everyone else it looks beautiful/natural/amazing/etc and to me? I see a wig. Sigh. This will be tough. I guess I'll get used to it, but it will be tough.

How Am I Supposed to Know?

2008-01-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

Aside from the typical, much addressed, difficulty of teaching to the individual student and working so hard to make sure that no one slips through the cracks, my most difficult challenge in teaching played out in my classroom today.

Since this is such a difficult part of teaching for me, I tend to be very very careful never to put myself (as a teacher) in this situation; sometimes, however, it cannot be avoided...

The number one most dangerous place a teacher can put herself in is... a power struggle.

I don't mean to shout out my qualities as a teacher, but I will state that I run a very well run classroom, I never ever have a problem (anymore) with classroom control, and my students are trained in, from the first day of school, to follow classroom rules, to accept the teacher as authority, and to follow certain classroom routines. They know good and well what I expect of them.

Just to give an example - I teach a low elementary grade, little girls. At this point in the year, I am able to leave my classroom for a few minutes and when I return my students will 99% of the time be doing what I left them doing. Rarely, if ever, will I come back to a class that is jumping off the walls.

These are things that help eliminate a possible power struggle before it even begins to arise.

BUT. Today was different.

Upon returning to the classroom after our morning recess, Leah* and Malky* both came to my desk and showed me a note that was scrawled on in a child's messy handwriting.

It read: "Leah is a maniac."

Malky, in her everlasting loyalty to her friend, solemnly told me

"Chanie did it."

Chanie vehemently denied the action saying

"I would never do such a thing!"

In fact, not only did Chanie deny writing the note, but so did every other one of my 26 students. They denied it so strongly that it seems to me that the note blew in from the window.

Picture this- twenty-six pairs of eyes staring at Morah. One of which is terribly hurt because she now knows that someone in the classroom hates her. I have no idea who wrote the note. They are all waiting to see what I am going to do.

On the one hand, I should leave the situation right now. If I probe further and am not successful in finding the culprit, I have entered a power struggle and lost. The absolute worst situation I can put myself in.

On the other hand, If I back out now, I will have one very upset student who will most probably hold a grudge against the accused (Chanie) whether or not Chanie actually wrote the letter. Knowing my class and knowing Leah in particular, I know that this grudge will not remain a grudge, it will turn into a fight at best and a full fledged classroom war at worst.

Neither situation is ideal, and neither situation is one that I would like to deal with in school. Both situations will involve me spending a good few hours on the phone with numerous parents, breaking up fights, etc. Sigh. It gives me headache to think about it.

What would you do?

A Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2008-01-20T11:53:00.000-08:00

I have a student who is suffering. She is suffering physically, emotionally, and socially.

I wish I could tell her that her suffering is only temporary. I wish I could tell her that one day things will be different. But who am I to say such things? Who am I to promise her that one day her life will be joyful, that one day she will feel safe and secure? Is this really true, can I really vouch for such a promise?

All I can do is give her all my love, care, and attention. To use every ounce of my energy towards helping become proud of herself as a person, instead of embarrassed by what others have done to her.

And who knows. Maybe one day she will come to realize that she surpassed the childhood hardships that were laid heavily upon her, that she came ahead stronger, that she rose above.... Maybe there will be a light at the end of this young child's dark tunnel after all...

What'd I do? Turn into a Space Alien?

2008-01-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

The general attitude that I have encountered since I got engaged has been

"Oh. You're engaged. You MUST be on a different planet."

Can I ask - is it illegal for a young woman who just got engaged to actually stay on planet earth? Because it seems like people are urging me to go for psychiactric testing, or maybe to the machanic, looks the engine on this spaceship that's supposed to take me to some far out lala land is malfunctioning.

Happy? You better believe I'm happy. Excited? Nervous? Terrified? Thrilled? Yeah yeah - all the "kallah" emotions (as if the Kallah owns them - no one else has a right y'know) - I am feeling, I just happen to be feeling on planet Earth, I'm trying to figure out why everyone thinks that this is just so off...

On another note- I keep thinking about you bloggy friends and about how nice it would be if we weren't anonymous and you guys would be able to dance at my wedding... (and no I would NEVER allow anyone to try to introduce you to ANY shadchan of any form at my wedding, I mean can't a girl have some fun for once? gee...)

No, I Wasn't Sitting On Anyone's Black Hat!!

2008-01-05T18:24:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, there were actually techinical difficulties, namely the wireless card on my trusty laptop decided to take a little snooze for the time being. Yes, it's still snoozing but this is one of those rare occasions when I actually have access to the internet, like hellllooo it's 2008.

Anyway I finally started getting used to the fact that I actually got engaged that the story of agreeing or diagreeing to go out with, ok let's call him Charlie, seems kind of old but a promise is a promise so I'll continue.

I basically agreed to go out with two thoughts in mind - either it will work or it won't. The first time we went out he followed all the rules and I followed all the rules (and by the way we met half of Brooklyn - 8 other nervous dating couples in the hotel lobby my dear intended chose - I almost asked him to take me home right then and there). I came home and said "he was normal enough to go out with again, after that I can't promise." Well, during date number 2 I learned that I know my way around this town way better than he does, but I did credit him with choosing a better location - another hotel lobby, sigh.

The topic of conversation accidentally turned serious in the middle of the second date, so serious in fact that when I got home I decided that he probably doesn't ever want to see me again. Wrong I was. So we went out again. And again. During all those agains I decided that this was someone that would make a wonderful husband and even though it scared me to death I informed him that I was ready to get engaged. We were in the car driving through the Midtown Tunnel and he almost drove into those dividing poles. It was actually kind of funny.

Technical Difficulties

2007-12-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys but due to some technical difficulties I haven't had ready access to the internet for a while. I hope the problem is resolved soon - I'm thinking about you!

A Very Happy Chanukah to All

2007-12-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

To My Dear Friend

2007-11-27T11:11:00.000-08:00

To my dearest friend. One year ago today the world turned upside down. I have no words to express my emotions and I cannot possibly write here how I really feel. Just remember, that though I can never take away your pain, I hurt when you hurt and I am always here for you. I admire you in so many ways, keep strong and keep smiling, your father is proud of you today.

This is probably the most beautiful amateur work I have seen or heard in a long while.

There are nicer voices in the world but the emotion and background that came together with this song cannot be compared to that of even the greatest singer.

01_Vehachai.wma

L'iluy Nishmas HaRav Chaim Shneur Zalman ben HaRav Meir Zichrono Livracha

The Story

2007-11-21T13:58:00.001-08:00

I promised details and I'm going to give them, but I'm not sure what details to give...

Before I got engaged, before I even went out with this boy I never liked hearing these stories, I always thought, well yeah that's NOT gonna happen to me. Let me explain.

My chosson's name (I gotta think of a blog name for him - I'm not into the 'my chosson' 'my chosson' 'my chosson' he has a name for goodness sakes) anyway his name came up for me a while back, before the summer actually and I adamantly refused to go out with him. In fact, I was upset and offended that people were pushing it. His upbringing was different than mine, his education was different, his family minhagim were different, and to top it all off he comes from a broken home. One of the things that bothered me greatly was the broken home part - his parents divorced when he was very very young and he basically grew up in a single parent home, not much of a father figure around ever. That really bothered me, I mean who wants to go out with a boy who grew up without a father figure??

Anyway his name came up again right after the yomim tovim but this time it was different. This time he was given my references, and he was looked into for me (and btw I still despise the shidduch system even though I'm past it) without my knowledge. One Friday afternoon I was told so and so is ready to go out with you we just have to call in dor yesharim and you have to give and answer before shabbos. There I put my foot down, I refused to give an answer before shabbos insisting that I be given time to think.

Let me back track a bit. The first time the name came up it was through a shadchan who didn't necessarily know either of us. The second time it came up was interesting. Husbands of three different friends of mine suggested it at three separate times. Anyway, that Shabbos I sat with a very close friend and her husband and talked for about three hours until they finally convinced me to go out at least once. "If he's repulsive you can forget it ever happened but we promise you he's not repulsive" was the end of that conversation.

More later!!

MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes I am a kallah. It's crazy, it's really crazy. I have so much to tell you guys, hopefully I'll have a minute after shabbos to give you the whole scoop!

Busier than I have Time to Comprehend

2007-11-15T05:32:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted here in a while but don't worry I didn't forget about you guys! I'll keep you posted sometime really soon :).

P R E S S U R E

2007-11-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how to put in words. I just wish that people knew, realized, and understood the ill effects of outside pressure when dating. I wish people realized that life is NOT a romance novel; that starry eyed infatuation is not going to come after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or even 10 dates. I wish people took a step back and let the dating couple make their own, clear headed, thought out, decisions. I wish coming back from each date wasn't met with people smiling expectantly. I wish people realized that when the decision is no - it's MY life, MY dissapointment, and most importantly - if he said no, than he wasn't for me.

The pressure that outsiders (or insiders) put on young men and women in the dating scene can be so heavy it is often unbearable. Is it not enough that a girl has to think four hundred times before she walks out of the house lest she ruin the next prospective match? Is it not enough that the pressure of 'being in the parsha' lays heavy on our shoulders every single day of our lives? Don't people realize how important a clear headed decision is when dating? Don't people realize that this isn't about making someone else (other than the boy and girl themselves) happy, nor is it about planning one night? Do people not realize that making a life decision has to be RATIONAL - not "If you can't overlook some chesronos then you'll never get married." What if he is simply NOT for me??

Sigh. So many disasters can be prevented if people would only think before they start putting pressure on an emotionally stressed, nervous, busy, dating girl.

A wise man once told me:
When you are looking into a boy think of him as if he's the ONLY person who is willing to date you. Do NOT compare him to anyone, when calling around about him look for his highest qualities. Once you agree to go out, however, you should enter each date with this thought: "There are 500 hundered boys chasing me down the street, is this the one I am going to choose."

Worth Reading

2007-10-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

This was written and shown to the public a few months ago. There are some good points here, however please note that although I agree with much of what is written here, I am not the author, nor do I know who the auther is.

Dear Brother, Sister, Parent, and Shadchan,

It seems these days, that finding a Shidduch is a lot harder than it was in the past. There are lots of young boys and girls out there that are getting older, and are still single. Parents are making calls, Shadchanim are making calls, but it just doesn't seem to move. Aside from time it takes to make the calls and reach references, it takes lots of effort to properly evaluate prospectives and get 2 names in the same plate. When someone makes a call to a reference, they hear something they don't like and the suggestion is closed. It is my firm belief that people don't know how to evaluate other people properly and might mention some “major” aspect of a single that really only represents 5% of their total character and personality, but since that is all what the other side hears, they give it heavy consideration in their decision. How many good matches were prevented from going forward for this simple and foolish reason? Shidduchim should be investigated with the accuracy of a crime lab! We should not take some mindless-by-the-way remark someone said about another and consider as evidence good enough for a court. I plead and beg from whoever is involved in the shidduch making process to please take this heart. A brilliant cut diamond has 58 facets, how many does a person have?

References: Always ask yourself when describing someone else, “Is what I'm saying representative of them at least 50%?” If it's not, tell people what you think the quality of your answer is. Remember that people who call you may have no prior information about this person and what you say add pieces to their puzzle. Some callers might have a small number of peices to fill so what you say will fill a large area of their total picture. Also, if somone calls you at a time that interrupts whatever you're doing, inform them to call back at a different time when your head will think straighter and you can give clearer answers. It is not fair to the the subject person if your mind is fuzzy. This is a major responsibility on your part and if the match works out because of you, your reward will be great.

Parents and Shadchanim: When someone mentions a certain quality or chisaron, you should probe further, and try to clarify; does this accurately represent the subject person? Try to come up with specific and logical questions that will help you narrow down and get a higher quality answer. Do not ask people “How do you think xyz would react if you saw him/her in the following situation?...” There may be no definitive answer to this, and external factors such as who is present, and what the atmosphere is like, could influence their reaction to be different from time to time. The right questions will get the right answers.

Another issue which comes as a result of the lack of accurate information and research is bad rumors. How many times have good matches been turned down based on some left field rumor that may not even be true! “Oh, I heard that he is such and such...” and we consider this rumor to be true without us at least giving it a second thought and at most giving the family a chance to defend themselves. Aside from being Lashon Hara, this is really ruining what could be alot of good Shidduchim!

I do not want this to be construed as an advertisement, hence my anonymity, however I am a regular bochur that has gone to Lubavitch schools and Yeshivos, I have Smicha, and of the working class (i.e. non-shlichus). There is nothing wrong with me, just due to something unique about me, people view me in wildly different ways. This has led to some interesting rumors about me, some of which were positive, some of which were unflattering. I am still a bochur. I do not want to be sugar coated, but I don't want to be defamed either. I just want to be viewed as my real me.Whoever is successful in making a Shidduch, you should be blessed, you have created a new home for the Jewish people.

Gmar Chasima Tova,
HaBochur HaTomim

I'm Tired

2007-10-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

My entire family descended on this town for Shabbos and we had a great time together. The vort was beautiful, everyone enjoyed themselves and the chosson and kallah were beaming from ear to ear (as can be expected). Being that I'm local, throughout this weekend while my family members have been vacationing away I have had to work every day, so in between staying up late and spending time with my family I was preparing for school and teaching everyday.

The morning of the vort I went to school, taught, then raced home. I got all dressed up and off I went to Monsey. As far as the wedding, I got back from Monsey very late I pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't going to the wedding. On my way back I spoke to someone who had left the wedding 20 minutes before I spoke to her and she told me that when she left it seemed like the music would be ending soon. I was a little upset because somewhere in the back of my mind I had decided that maybe I'd make it to the wedding after all. Anyway, I decided that even though the wedding was probably over, I would stop by the hall (which is 3 blocks from my house - not such a big deal) and see if the chosson and kallah were at least still there so I could say mazal tov to her while she was wearing her wedding gown. Basically, when I walked up to the wedding hall, there were people milling around and no one gave me a backward glance that I can so late, and as I walked in, lo and behold, the music was still blasting! I walked into the wedding at midnight and I stayed there until one thirty in the morning!!! The kallah was SHOCKED to see me when I walked in (and so was everyone else, because I told everyone that I wouldn't be at the wedding lest they think that I would miss the wedding for some other reasons... ahem...).

Bottom line is mir ken nisht tantzen oif tsvay chasunos aber vu a chossid vill tantzen er vet tantzen.

Animal School

2007-10-11T18:06:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about the fact that my blog is called Teach Your Heart Out and I seldom write about anything that is related to teaching. It's not that I don't have what to write on the topic, but it's difficult to write about my personal teaching experiences without breaching the privacy of my students and they're parents, and of course the interesting stories are the ones that have to remain private...

Mir Ken Nisht Tanzten Oif Tzvay Chasunos...

2007-09-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

What can I do... My brother's vort is scheduled for the same night as a close (one of the very last) friend's wedding. Uh Oh.

Why Can't This Be A Little Simpler?

2007-09-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's always interesting when an inter-blog conversation takes place. In this case, a comment on this post (on halfshared's blog) prompted me to write a post about the 'red light' concept. When I sat down at my computer this afternoon I was surprised to see that halfshared had done a post on the same topic - giving the point of view of the older sister.

I had originally meant for that post to be an objective question, however I quickly realized that it is impossible to be objective in such a situation. Either you are the older sister or the younger sister. If you are neither - have no one stopping you and aren't stopping anyone, then you can't even relate, so how can you give a proper opinion?

I guess it is pretty obvious in my previous post that I am leaning more towards the position of the younger sister. I had not originally planned on giving any kind of personal information about this topic on this blog but to clarify my point I will.

I understand the pain an older sister must go through knowing that her younger sister is being held back by her, however just like I cannot know the extent of older sister's feelings on the topic, she cannot know mine. The last thing I would want is for my sister to get the feeling that I resent her in any way. In fact, I care so much about her that in the past 4 years since finishing seminary I have never ever even mentioned the idea of my getting married to her. She's the older sister, that right belongs to her until she reaches that point right? She's the oldest, she's the one everyone dreamed about being first, we have planned her wedding together hundreds of times.

However, it's time to share my side of the story. My sister is not 22 and I am not 19 or 20. If being 22 is old enough to allow a younger sister to skip, then why, if the younger sister herself is already 22 is she still sitting and waiting! My sister is more than five years older than I am. She entered shidduchim when I entered high school. I have spent the past four years dancing at more weddings I can keep count of. There are those who may say that they enjoy these years of being single without the stress of being on the market, but let me ask you - how long is that so much fun? How many years can a single girl sit around? I am no longer dancing at weddings because now I am busy attending brissin and visiting friends while the baby naps.

My sister knows good and well that I have watched every single one of my friends get married, she knows good and well that I am reaching the point where I am starting to be considered 'older' in the shidduch world. Still, the idea of me, her little sister, getting married before her seems unthinkable. I want to stress and stress over and over again - I do not resent my sister at all. The fact that she isn't married is due to circumstances beyond her control. She is a normal,bright, healthy, pretty, thin woman and she deserves the very best.

It was a very difficult decision for me to make, to get up the courage and ask my sister for permission to date, and probably even harder on her part to give me that permission. She gave it reluctantly and she still has reservations about it. I don't think that she will ever be the same if I get married before her and the thought terrifies me, but how much longer can I wait? How many times do I have to bite back tears when, once again, it isn't me?

Road Test

2007-09-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

What do you think of the "red light" concept? Do you think it's fair to a girl of 22 to say no to an offer because her sister of 24 is still around? I can understand why a girl of 19 or 20 would wait for a sister who's 20, 21, 22, but I have a hard time agreeing with the concept of waiting around for an older sister until you become that 'older' girl...

I know a girl, very nice girl, excellent middos, etc. who waited for her sister. Older sister finally got married at 26 and younger sister was by then almost 24. That was 2 years ago, now younger sister is almost 26. It's hard enough for those of us that enter the shidduch parsha at 19, imagine first entering at 24?

What do you guys think?

Not that I'm so close-minded as to think that life is over at 24 if you're not married, but the fact remains that if you're trying to swim in the shidduch world you have to play by certain rules. Unless there is some major drastic change in the system, we're all in the same boat, and as much as we may dislike it that's the way it is...

Thanks Mates!

2007-09-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the advice - knew I could count on you! I ended up shlepping a BY friend to my house to approve the outfit before heading out. I wore a black skirt (the only one I own but I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb) and a nice sweater that was NOT black, ran an iron through my hair (something I rarely do - I usually wear my hair wavy/curly), put on a full face of makeup, and off I went hoping all was fine. Turns out my attire was perfect, except (gasp) for the fact that I did not wear heels. Oh well, can't win em all right?

As far as the vort - is a nice Shabbos suit okay or do I have to be more weddingy? (Based on the lechaim which was in her house I'm assuming the vort is going to be quite a fancy affair). My sister, who lives out of town and never has to dress up to the 'New York standards' wanted to know if she should go shopping for some new clothes.

I guess I shouldn't be so focused on what I'm gonna wear but what can I do, everyone's gonna be looking at me! (Just wait till they hear I'm Lubavitch, I can almost hear the sighs - "Too bad, I had such a nice boy in mind for her"). Can I dare to ask how you can have such a nice boy in mind for me when you have no idea what I'm like and you don't know my name? Maybe I should hand out business cards or something.

Advice

2007-09-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

Mazel Tov! My brother became a chosson!

Now, fellow bloggers, I am in dire need of some advice - something I know people are always willing to give.

My brother (who lives in Flatbush) is engaged to a Monsey girl. I have a severe aversion to labeling fellow Jews but for the sake of clarity here I will. I grew up Lubavitch - (sad as it sounds, I sincerely hope that stating this outright doesn't attach a negative feeling toward my name or my blog...), and she is from a very Yeshivish family. The chosson and kallah, both wonderful people, are pretty modern - leaning toward the Yeshivish rather than Chassidish way of life. In short, this simcha is a gathering a Jews from all walks and talks of life.

Now for the question. What should I wear to the 1) Lechaim and 2) Vort?? Do I have to dress up? How dressy? Do I have to look like I'm going to a wedding? In Lubavitch the 'vort' is actually called a lechaim and many times an official 'lechaim' separate from the vort does not take place. When it does it is usually only for family and very close friends and no one dresses up or anything like that. As far as the vort, I have been told that Yeshivish vorts are more elaborate and people get more dressed up than Lubavitch vorts but that is just plain old generalizing and there's no way to prove that as fact.

Basically what should I wear? Any advice?

Ksiva Vachasima Tova

2007-09-11T21:57:00.001-07:00

A gut gebentched yar to all. May the new year bring us a peace, joy, and an end to our sorrow with the coming of Moshiach Tzidkeinu speedily in our days.

ויהי רצון שתהיה שנה זו שנת סימן חיים חן וחסד
ובעיקר סימן חירותנו בגאולה האמיתית והשלמה

Everyone Must've Been Staring

2007-09-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

I broke a rule. Not just any rule - a cardinal rule.

My apartment took a direct hit from the construction that has been going on in this house, leaving us without hot water for a full week. By the time I finally got used to taking freezing cold showers the water stopped working all together. So, in good cheer I set about searching for a shower. I called a friend of mine who I knew had a family simcha, and wouldn't be home for a few hours, and I asked her if I could please use her shower. She was happy to help and off I went to enjoy a nice, hot shower for the first time in a week.

On the way back home I broke a rule. The rule that says "If thou is 'of age' thou shall not dare ever be seen in public looking anything but perfect. Thou must always be immaculately dressed with perfect hair and flawless makeup, regardless of the time of day or year (especially if it's the third day of a three day yom tov). Disregard to the strict adherence of this rule may result in the ruination of thy next shidduch, and possible all shidduchim thereafter."

It was 10:00 pm, and I had just taken a shower. I wasn't about to pull out the blow dryer and hair iron and proceed to spend 45 minutes on my hair, and then walk home all smiles because every shadchan would see me and whisper to her neighbor "now that looks like a good catch - 10 at night and she looks like she's dressed for a wedding... oh good point, maybe she is going to a wedding. Who's getting married tonight? But she's walking in the wrong direction, the wedding hall is that way... well maybe she's going somewhere else, a lechaim maybe? Did anyone get engaged recently? Yes, yes, so and so's daughter to so and so's son. It's a wonder that girl managed to find a shidduch, I mean look at her parents, which proper bochur would want to marry into a family like that..."

Anyway, I broke the rule. I pulled my long, wet hair into a ponytail, put on a long skirt, and a zip up sweatshirt and proceeded to walk the five blocks back home. Sue me.

I found this funny. My friend's nieces and nephews were being babysat in her apartment during the time I was there. When my friend came home she told me the following "When I got home the house was a bit upside down, shoes everywhere, dirty dishes, papers, etc. and I saw a tichel on the kitchen floor. I figured they must have found my tichel and were playing with it. I asked the kids if anyone came over to use the shower, and they told me yes, and she left something here. I asked them what she left and they pointed to the tichel and told me that she left her tichel here!" We all got a good laugh. And no, I'm not leaving tichels anywhere just yet.

My Whole Body Is Aching

2007-09-06T13:33:00.001-07:00

This person got married. Need I say more?

2007-09-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

I went to school today for a general teachers' meeting and to complete some final things in preparation for the first day of school - tomorrow. Unfortunately, I came home nervous and aggravated instead of excited for the year to begin.

School begins tomorrow. I have not yet received a class list. I asked for a list today and I was told "we can't release the lists until the day before classes begin." A little confused, I asked if that was not today, don't classes begin tomorrow? The answer I got was: So many students are not yet registered for school that they don't know if they are going to be able to start on time. I fail to understand. Tuition crisis aside, that's not what I'm discussing here, I'd like to ask every single parent of an unregistered child - Why isn't your child registered for school??? Last week I had a conversation with a mother who has a child in the school I teach. She was complaining that she's trying to register her child but she can't afford tuition and it's impossible to get through to anyone who can discuss and negotiate with her. I asked her when she called for the first time and how long she has been waiting to hear back from the school. She answered me in all seriousness "I called yesterday and I'm still waiting." I was in shock. This was one week before the first day of school and she's blaming that school for the fact that she didn't bother registering her child early enough to discuss tuition options!

So that's that for now. I don't have a list and I'm waiting for a phone call from the school to let me know if we are or aren't starting school tomorrow.

While in school today I was standing in the office going over some last minute curriculum details with the vice principal and I overheard the following conversation between a teacher (of an older grade) and the principal of my department.

Teacher: Mrs. Principal, did you put my daughter in xxx's class?

Principal: Yes. She's in that class.

Teacher: And who's the morning teacher for that class?

Principal: Morah xxx

Teacher: lower's her voice a drop Is she married?

Principal: No, she's single

Teacher: dissapointed look on her face oooh.

Principal: But she's teaching for a few years already and she's very good.

Teacher: Oh, she's teaching for a few years already...

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. The truth is I don't know why I was surprised. Isn't it obvious that a girl who walked out of seminary three days ago and got married yesterday is more suitable of a teacher for anyone's daughter than a mere girl who has been teaching since before Mrs. Glittery Diamond Ring was even in high school? I mean, hello, it's not experience that makes you a good teacher, it's a sheitel, a ring, and someone else's last name. What was I thinking?

In Colors?

2007-09-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

I went what I call 'frum store shopping' for sheva brachos outfts with a friend. As soon as we walked in a very pleasant young woman came over to us and asked if we needed any help. My friend gave the store a quick once over and answered that she was looking for sheva brachos outfits - "but I don't want anything black or gray." Well. You should have seen the horrified look she was given. First came "well I think you're in the wrong store." Then, "Don't you know that black and gray are the 'in colors' this fall?? Needless to say we walked right out.

In colors? Who are you basing your idea of 'in colors' on? If you want to say that you sell the 'in colors' then sell the in colors! If you want to say that you have no interest in succumbing to the worldly desire to dress to the taste of some lonely male designer in Paris, then say so! Don't claim to have the latest styles and trends when you don't and you won't.

Just for the record: black and gray are not the in colors this fall anywhere besides for the frum stores. I found them on one color pallatte for the winter but they were surrounded by about 20 other beautiful, vibrant colors.

Just one question - why do frum girls insist on wearing black all the time? Why is it that if a frum girl wears a vibrant color she gets looks? I'm not talking about loud or other obviously not aidel colors - I'm talking about vibrant, alive. What's wrong with wearing something that compliments your natural coloring, that's flattering on you, and that makes you look alive?

When I started teaching I made a decision that I would never wear black in my classroom. While I can't say that I never ever wear a black skirt, I can say that I have other skirts in my closet that are not black that I wear on a regular basis. I am a strong believer in the fact that a young child absorbs everything that surrounds him/her in the classroom, and it's no secret that color has an affect on someone's mood and attitude. Well, if they're staring at me all day I don't want them staring at a black glob, I want them staring at something vibrant and alive!

Will It Ever End???

2007-08-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to write this. This is painful. So very painful. May the family find nechama.

TRAGEDY: Bochur Struck and Killed by a Train

Boruch Dayan HoEmes - HaBochur Yisroel Noach Tzfasman OBM

TRAGEDY, BORUCH DAYAN HAEMES - HABOCHUR YISROEL NOACH TZFASMAN OBM

Hashem! Your children are in golus too long! Our anguish is too great! Bring us an end to sadness and tears!

Veshinantam Levanecha

2007-08-28T00:50:00.001-07:00

I found this picture on this blog. To me, this is a moment of beauty. Not the photograph itself, but the life behind the captured image. To the readers of the above mentioned blog this is yet another 'picture of the day,' there are other photos posted there that artistically supersede this particular shot, but to me there is nothing more beautiful.

You Don't Say...

2007-08-27T22:16:00.001-07:00

I was talking to a friend (married) of mine late last night and I was laughing about the fact that now that she has a baby her life doesn't run on "newlywed hours." She got home late from a simcha, her baby was kvetchy so she was up and she wanted to talk to someone - who better than a single friend! Anyway, this dear friend of mine tells me "Miss Teacher, I just realized that you have a lot of married friends." Umm... yep. ALL of my good friends are married, but thanks for the reminder, I almost forgot.

Newlywed hours meaning: "We totally have to get together, I mean it's crazy I never see you! Let's see.. my husband comes home for lunch around 2:30, that means I need to be home to prepare lunch by 2:00, and he doesn't go back until 3:30 and by 4:30-5:00 I have to start preparing supper because my husband comes home from Kollel at 7:30 and from then until shachris tomorrow morning I'm officially unavailable. I will not answer the phone, I will only attend shiurim that are geared for married women, and only if my husband has a shiur at the same time that night, simchas are limited to those of very close friends and even those are timed because my husband is waiting for me in the hallway... um so do you want to come over at from 3:45-4:15? Oh, you teach until 4:30? That's a shame, well I guess I'll see you in shul this shabbos!" Yeah and our 'get together' will consist of bowing to barchu at the same time.

BTW - Does "my husband" ever get a name? I mean at what point do newlyweds start referring to their husbands by a name as opposed to 'my husband?'

Higher Consciousness

2007-08-23T22:16:00.001-07:00

A letter written recently to a friend.

Dear xxxx, Shetichye

I was thinking about the conversation that we had today and I decided to show you something that I recently wrote.
By way of introduction let me give a little background information. I am not in the habit of expressing my true feelings, hardship or pain, to the general public. I felt that I sounded decidedly bitter, and I know that you and others may excuse and accept such feelings on my part, but I came to the conclusion a long time ago that acrimony is not something I wish to have on my resume.

When a child takes its first unsteady steps, it is one of the very first signs of that child turning into an independent human being. Independency meaning unique in his own way; those first steps are the first ones taken on a path designed for only him to walk upon.

Each of us has been allotted a path. A course designed to accommodate our strengths and weaknesses, our fears, worries, joys, and pleasures. As we trudge along, we are at times met with branches that must be pushed aside, rivers of water that require swimming skills, fields of tall grass that need to be crossed, and of course at times we are met with a smooth and steady trail, that path that we can only hope and pray will dominate our way.

As we travel through life we are often met with challenge. Challenge is not ever something to be compared. For one, a branch may be as much of a stumbling block as a monstrous mountain for another. Some are given a smooth trip for much of the way, and then met suddenly with a mountain to climb; others are given potholes to dodge and rivers to swim on a regular basis.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such a complicated life, but this is what was given to me and I’ve learned that along with the tall grass, the oceans to cross, and the mountains to climb, I was given sheers with which to cut, a life jacket with which to swim, and climbing gear for that looming mountain. I was given these tools, that when not used properly, can be quite a heavy burden, and at the same time have become a key to survival. I was given a strong mind, an iron will, and an unyielding personality. I have been driven with the desire to fight, not to fall. These things have been my wings with which to fly, they are what have kept me going more than anything else in the world.

I have also learned that with hardship and survival comes strength. Why am I telling you all this? Because I don’t think that anyone’s path is free of obstacles. And I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I share some of my thoughts and feelings, others can learn and gain. I know firsthand that it is easier to be objective to someone else than to one’s own self. Therefore I wanted to share with you the following essay.

Higher Consciousness

"The first step to higher consciousness is to be conscious of a consciousness higher than your own.
And to be conscious of how that consciousness is conscious of you."

From the teachings of the Rebbe; rendered by Tzvi Freeman

It has been quite a while since I’ve felt compelled to write. I don’t know what triggered it, but the urge to put feelings on paper has overcome me in way that cannot be ignored.

I often let my mind take advantage of being alone. Something about solitude tends to send my mind a message, simply saying “wander,” and wander it does. Sometimes it travels to the unknown, to wonder what will be “if” - to envision non existent situations, potential joys, or in some cases the opposite.

There are times, though, that my mind looks at me squarely in the face and says “face reality.” Such occurrences generate different reactions: Most often, I look reality right back in the face and say “I can create my own reality, don’t bother me right now.” And I go about my business doing just that- creating my own utopian reality.

There are times where an inner strength, a driving force, takes hold and says “Your life may be nuts, but you aren’t.” This is when I tell myself that although life may be tough, somehow I pulled through until now and can still socialize and communicate with mainstream America. No one has it easy, who can possibly know what goes on behind the closed doors of a home or a heart? Then, somehow with that mysterious strength I accept reality. I remind myself that reality is not something to run from, but something to run with. Nothing that I say or do can change reality, so therefore, I tell myself, it is best to accept and move on.

Sometimes I completely break down emotionally, I feel the tears build up in my heart and travel upward, my mouth quivers and then they begin to silently run down my face. These are moments of total surrender. They are moments when the brunt of hardship and pain sear through my very existence and I, like a helpless child, simply cry.

A thought crossed my mind the other day and I was so fascinated with the discovery that I stopped what I was doing for a minute.

Human nature is to understand. Can one possibly count the times that the word “why” has crossed their lips or entered their minds? Inquisitiveness can lead to great discovery and appreciation. However, with the pleasure of understanding comes the displeasure when the questioning “why” is met with silence. This is a gentle, or maybe not so gentle, reminder to the grand and egotistic intellect. We humans tend to think ourselves superior; not without basis, as Judaism clearly defines Man as a “medaber” on the highest of created levels. The very fact that we can analyze and understand is what gives us our superiority, but it is that same ability that nudges us in the ribs at times, for it is the One who gives us the gift of the mind, that at times takes the power away from us. Therefore, we humans are periodically, for some more often than others, met with challenge. The challenge being to go against our very nature and say “This is something that I just cannot understand.” This was precisely my discovery; the same One who created us with the ability and the urge to understand, created within us the power to rise above, to tell our intellect this is not your territory, and to accept without understanding.
So, when I reach the point of total surrender, I pull myself together and I tell G-d, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that though I may be a human, one who seeks and understands, I am only a human. And hard as it may be, I give up the pleasure of letting myself understand.

Where's the Justice of Grief?

2007-08-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

As I am about to begin a new school year, I cannot help but think and reflect on the events of the past year. A year mixed with so much simcha, so much laughter, and so much pain, suffering, sadness and tears.

In a letter, written right after Chanukah to a friend, I remember describing two intensely emotional weeks, the week before Chanukah and Chanukah itself:

"I have relived those two weeks over and over again in my head. How I laughed, how much simcha was intertwined in those two weeks; and how I cried, how much pain and sadness wove their way into my life."

I will never forget how, not two weeks into the school year, my students were thrown into the confusion of substitutes and the absence of their teacher. The reason? Her 21 year old daughter was sitting shiva for her husband of three months. That tragedy shook us to the core. It made our hands and hearts tremble and resulted in unstoppable tears.

It's no secret that our community has been stabbed in the heart over and over again this past year. I will not list details here, for those of you from within my community are well aware of these details, and those of you who are not - kol yisrael areivim ze laze. Unfortunately no Jewish community is pain-free, and every Jew feels the pain of another.

As we progress into the month on Elul and we find ourselves soon approaching Rosh Hashana, I keep in mind these wonderful, beautiful neshamos that were taken from us. No doubt they are pleading on our behalf to the Aibeshter Himself, begging for our redemption, demanding an end to the suffering of this galus.

The following article was written soon after a close family friend and a well known community figure was killed in a tragic accident. I will never forget my initial reaction after reading it. "Ashreinu ma tov chelkeinu!" How fortunate are we that amid suffering and tears we can find comfort in the ultimate truth of Torah.

When I Wanted You Did Not

By Rabbi Simon Jacobson

Today I attended a tragic funeral. All funerals are tragic, but some appear worse than others. Especially when a beautiful man, 61 years old, is killed by a drunken driver, leaving a grieving wife, ten children and countless relatives and friends traumatized.

Every tragic death reminds us (or should remind us) of all other senseless losses – and unbearable pain – beknownst or unbeknownst to us. How many broken hearts are crying around the world at this very moment? How do we respond to the millions of tears shed and the piercing screams echoing through the corridors of history?

The timeless question – why? why do terrible things happen to good people? – resurfaces its naked head in these timely moments of agony.

The death of an individual evokes the memory of all deaths from the beginning of time.
In difficult times like these, we have no where to turn but to the eternal strength we glean from those that faced the abyss before us.

None other than the great Moses confronts G-d with this greatest of challenges in this week’s Torah portion. Actually, the story begins earlier when Moses first “meets” G-d at the burning bush.

In perhaps the most dramatic episode in the entire Torah, this week’s portion recounts the intimate dialogue between Moses and G-d, as Moses implores the Almighty to forgive the Jewish people for their terrible sin of building and worshipping the Golden Calf. (See The Face of G-d for a more elaborate discussion on the topic).
As Moses attempts to elicit the Divine compassion, he asks G-d “I beg you, please show me Your Glory.” G-d rejects Moses with the memorable words: “You cannot see My face, for no man shall see Me and live” (Exodus 33:18;20).

A strange Talmud explains that G-d rejected Moses’ request because of an earlier event. When G-d appeared to Moses at the burning bush, Moses refused to look, as it says, “And Moses hid his face, for he feared to look upon G-d” (Exodus 3:6). “Now that you want to see My Face,” G-d said, “I am not willing to show it to you.” “When I wanted you didn’t want; now when you want, I don’t want.” (Berachot 7a).

The Midrash elaborates: “Moses did not act accordingly by hiding his face. Had he not hidden his face G-d would have revealed to Moses what is above and what is below, what was and what will be in the future. Finally, when Moses did request to see the Divine face, G-d informed him that ‘no man shall see Me and live.’ When I wanted, you didn't want, and now that you want, I don't want” (Shemot Rabba 3:1. 45:5).

What is the meaning behind G-d’s bizarre reaction? It’s impossible to say that G-d was being “petty” and angrily getting even with Moses?! Either Moses deserved to see the Divine face or he didn’t deserve to see it? Why would it be dependent on Moses’ not wanting to see G-d’s face at the burning bush?

Indeed, a second opinion in the Talmud and Midrash holds that Moses was honoring G-d by not looking at His face, and he was subsequently rewarded for his respect.

Additionally, the verse de facto suggests that Moses could not see G-d’s face because of an objective reason – “no man can see the Divine face and live.” The Talmud is implying that had Moses chosen to look at G-d’s face in the burning bush he now would be able to see the Divine Face and live.

And finally, why indeed did Moses not want to look at G-d’s face in the burning bush? And now he suddenly developed a craving to do so?

Clearly, the burning bush and G-d’s face in the bush is a major event, which requires deeper examination.

Let’s read the verse closely: “G-d's angel appeared to [Moses] in the heart of a fire, in the middle of a thorn-bush. As he looked, [Moses] realized that the bush was burning, but was not being consumed. Moses said [to himself], 'I must go over there and investigate this great phenomenon. Why doesn't the bush burn?' When G-d saw that [Moses] was going to investigate, He called to him from the middle of the bush. 'Moses, Moses!' He said. 'Yes,' replied [Moses]. 'Do not come any closer,' said [G-d]. 'Take your shoes off your feet. The place upon which you are standing is holy ground'… Moses hid his face, since he was afraid to look at the Divine. G-d said, 'I have indeed seen the suffering of My people in Egypt. I have heard how they cry out because of what their slave-drivers [do], and I am aware of their pain. I have come down to rescue them from Egypt's power. I will bring them out of that land, to a good, spacious land, to a land flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:2-8).
G-d’s words from within the burning bush – “I have indeed seen the suffering of My people…I have heard how they cry out” – explains why G-d appeared, of all places, in a burning thorn-bush. Had G-d appeared in, say, a handsome fruit tree, Moses would have challenged G-d and asked: “It’s very nice that you appear in beauty, but do you also feel our human pain?! You want me to challenge the depraved Pharaoh and insist that he stop the genocide and release the enslaved Jews. But everyone will ask ‘where is G-d in all our suffering. Maybe G-d exists only in good times but not in bad ones. Perhaps you don’t have the power to confront evil’.”

To pre-empt these fundamental questions, G-d appeared in the lowly thorn-bush in order to demonstrate that “I am with you in your pain and suffering” (see Rashi. Tanchuma 14), and that there is no place devoid of the Divine (Mechilta. Shemot Rabba 1:9. Torat Shlomo on the verse).
And now, G-d wanted to show Moses the deeper mystery of good and evil, life and death – “what is above and what is below, what was and what will be.”

But Moses did not want to see G-d’s face in the Holocaust. He did not want to “understand” G-d’s “reasoning” for allowing the death of millions of innocent children. He wasn’t willing to face the ultimate paradox and “hear” Divine explanations for human suffering. “He feared to look upon G-d” when he saw the lives being consumed by the burning bush, even as the bush itself was not being consumed. Moses “hid his face” and just wanted to cry.

But then time passed and things changed. G-d lived up to His promise and delivered the Jews from the clutches of their Egyptian tormentors. G-d demonstrated that He indeed was together with the people in their suffering, and finally redeemed them through His chosen leader, Moses.

Things seemed to be going very well. Following the Exodus, Moses led the Jewish nation to Sinai, where they experienced the greatest revelation in history: The giving of the Divine mandate to the human race. But then the tide turned again. While Moses was relishing in the Divine delights atop Sinai, the people below built and worshipped the Golden Calf. This time the catastrophe did not come at the hands of the Egyptians, but by fault of the Jews themselves.

Moses, descending from the mountain, realized the high stakes: How can he elicit G-d’s compassion in the face of such a grave crime? How can he offer the flawed human being hope after a great fall? Moses knew that now he needed to return to the “burning bush,” the place where good and evil meet, where joy and suffering converge – the place where the Divine can be found in the darkest corners of existence. He understood that only this impenetrable place contained the answer to solve the ultimate paradox: How to repent from sin; how to heal from wounds – how the “bush can burn and not be consumed” – the power of Teshuvah. [By breaking the tablets Moses also demonstrated how the break itself becomes part of the Divine healing process – see The Roots of Trauma].

Moses marched back up the mountain to confront G-d. Moses had matured to a point where he was now ready to see G-d’s face. He now appreciated the need to enter into the inner sanctum, into the Divine mystery of human suffering, and wanted to “see” the Divine face in order to elicit the strength necessary to endure distress for generations to come.

Moses’ new level of awareness was made possible also by the fact that in the interim Moses had another experience on Sinai that empowered him with the ability to face death – an episode related to an additional, special chapter we read this Shabbat Parah. The Midrash explains that when G-d was teaching Moses the methods of purification from all forms of defilement, Moses was shocked “How can one be purified from the impurity of death?” “At that moment, Moses’ face turned pale.” When they reached the section of the red heifer (read this week), G-d said to Moses: “Now I will give you the answer,” and proceeded with the mitzvah of purification from the impurity of death. What Moses exactly learned was elaborated upon in a previous column, but we know from this that Moses had achieved a heightened state of awareness about the mysteries of life and death.

So at this point, recognizing the need to heal from the “death” brought upon by the Golden Calf, Moses implored of G-d “I beg you, show me Your face.” As the Talmud explains that Moses was plagued by the timeless question why the good suffer and the wicked prosper (Berachot ibid).

And here G-d revealed to Moses one of the most profound secrets of all: “I show you My face not in pleasure, but in the burning bush – in pain and suffering. I show you My face not when you want to see it, but when I want you to see it.”

“When I wanted you didn’t want; now when you want, I don’t want.” G-d was not “getting even” with Moses; He was baring His Essence and telling Moses “I want a partner. I cannot show you my face if you do not partner with me. Had you looked at me when I wanted to show you My face, even though it was in pain, then you would have joined Me in the mysterious journey of grief and joy, and you would be able to see My face and gather strength. You cannot come and expect to see My face on your terms – when you like it. You have to respect the moment when I want to show it to you.”

But the story doesn’t end here. After all is said and done, G-d did indeed reveal to Moses the secrets of His inner personality, and the hidden thirteen attributes of Divine compassion. “I will make all My good pass before you, and reveal the Divine Name in your presence… [Though] you cannot see my face, because no man can see me and live, [but] I have a special place where you can stand on the rocky mountain. When My Glory passes by, I will place you in a crevice in the mountain, placing My hand over you until I pass by. I will then remove My hand and you will see My ‘back,’ and My face you will not see” (Exodus 33:19-23).

Moreover, commentaries explain that G-d finally showed Moses His face as well. The verse is to be read as follows: “You will see My ‘back’ and My face [but My face will be revealed to you only when] you will not see,” you will see my face only by not looking (see Panim Yafot on the verse). Not when you want to see it on your terms, but when I want you to see it…

... pause …

When we face unfathomable suffering, we are not expected to be better than Moses. We too close our eyes and just weep.

Maybe it takes a G-d to witness so much pain and be able to take it. We just want to be human… We don’t want to look at G-d’s face in such moments. It’s too terrifying.

Yet, whether we like it or not, G-d wants us to partner with Him. “Okay,” we say, “but it doesn’t come easy.” And from time to time, perhaps more often than not, we cry out in our own vulnerable moments – something G-d can surely forgive – that we just want some peace and quiet.

Today we were touched by the mystery of tragedy.

How many more bushes have to be burned before the Divine presence is revealed?

© 2007 The Meaningful Life Center. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission from http://www.meaningfullife.com/

Vehachai yiten el libo - with the coming year, I will increase my efforts to hasten the coming of Geula.

Le'iluy nishmas:

Hatomim Dovid Yonah z"l ben yl"t Menachem Mendel Hakohen
Sarah Faiga bas Yosef z"l
Yosef ben Yisroel z"l
Hatinokes Chaya Tzirel z"l bas yl"t Yechiel
Harav Hachossid Chaim Shneur Zalman z"l ben yl"t Harav Hachossid Meir
Hatomim Levi z"l ben yl"t Harav Hachossid Yisroel Yosef Hakohen
Hachossid R' Shimshon ben Efraim Hakohen z"l
Hachossid R' Gedalia Yerachmiel z"l ben Michel
Matel bas Harav Hachossid Bentzion z"l
Toiba z"l bas yl"t Zalman Dovid
Harav Hachossid Avraham ben Yitzchak Isaac Halevi z"l

And for all those that I do not know the names of.

Oh, The Unfairness Of It All...

2007-08-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

I was standing in shul this morning minding my own business, thoughts on my personal prayers, when a sudden, piercing and heartwrenching sound caused me to stop. I looked up to see the few other women present, as surprised as I was, slowly inching forward to see who we were hearing.

A young boy, a child, around 7 years old, saying kaddish.

A child should not be saying kaddish. It broke my heart.

Welcome Home, Homeless

2007-08-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

7 weeks of traveling around. 3 weeks of working, and 4 works of vacation, boredome, talking to myself just so I don't forget how to do it, surfing the net, pretending to get stuff done. I finally made my way back to NY only to find out that I'm kicked out of my apartment for the month. Lovely. Exactly where am I supposed to go? The park bench?

Thank G-D for nice people. I mean really nice. I mean like "My husband and I are going on vacation for 10 days, why don't you just move into our apartment while we're gone?" kind of nice.
Thanks to people like that I did not have to sleep on a park bench, instead I slept in a cute little one bedroom apartment, on a big comfy bed.

I went to school today to give in some papers that I need photocopied in time for the first day of school. The first day of school... that is frighteningly soon.

Conversations

2007-06-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

"Telephone" conversation between two six year olds:

Girl 1: Rochel Sarah died!
Girls 2: Oh. Do you want to come to my house?

Girl 1 hangs up.

Next time around:

Girl 1: Rochel Sarah is in jail!
Girl 2: Do you want to go shopping?
Girl 1: Come over to my house.
Girl 2: No, you come over to my house!
Girl 1: Okay, let's go shopping.

Summer Is Upon Us

2007-06-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

Now that the school year is over I can officially say that summer is here. I had the most adorable class this year, I love them to pieces (even the toughies of which there were a few). Today as I was leaving every single one of them followed me out of the classroom and absolutely refused to let me leave. The end of the year is hard for children that young, they are so nervous for next year... during these past few days I heard from more than one student "I don't want the year to end..." I will miss these kids. I know I will.

On a different note, sometimes I feel like my life is so upside down and unsettled that it makes me want to cry for a reason that I can't exactly put my finger on. Really really really dislike that feeling.

Isn't it interesting how you can live with three other people in a tiny apartment where everytime you move you're on top of someone else, and still feel totally and completely alone?

Sidepoint (random thoughts being thrown out today)- My friend's father died suddenly from a heart attack in December. Four days before her wedding. The wedding was the most bittersweet event I have ever attended and the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to. We danced as if we would never have the oppurtunity to dance again in our lives. Just saw her the other day, she was in town for a few days, and we watched her wedding video. I cried and cried.
What a crazy world. Four days before her wedding!!!! Instead of walking to her chuppah she was sitting shiva! Unthinkable. Unbelievable.

Ups and Downs

2007-06-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

These last few days of school are crunch time in a major way. The day after my friend got engaged her father told me about a boy he thought might be a good idea for me. Without going into much detail as to why I didn't want to go out with this boy, let's just say that the reasons I gave were not significant enough reasons to dismiss the idea. I ended spending the entire day crying. I was so upset and I felt like I was being treated like a client instead of like a person. It really really hurt. Especially considering my feelings from the day before about not having a supportive family etc.

Anyway, between teaching full time (FULL time, as in 9-4, homeroom teacher for TWO different classes) and the mountains of paperwork I have to complete, as well as wrapping up the year inside the classroom, life's been pretty hectic. My curriculum co-ordinator has now asked me to put together my first month's worth of teaching materials for SEPTEMBER!!! Yep. September. "Please hand it in before the last day of school." Boy oh boy. So I spent 30 hours (my entire weekend) putting together my september curriculum and what do you know - Monday morning the principal comes into my classroom and says,

"Miss Teacher, report cards were due in the office last Thursday, when can I expect to have them from you?"

"Last Thursday?" blink, blink

"Yes, the last day of school is next Wednesday, when can I expect to see your marks and comments?"

Ummm, I didn't even start- "I can have them ready by this Thursday."

"Ok, you understand that if you hand them in on Thursday, they will be reviewed and returned to you by Friday. Your report cards will then need to be filled in and completed by Monday."

"I realize, I'm sorry for not having them on time." There goes another weekend

Then on top of that Tuesday morning I woke up with a stiff neck, by Tuesday night it was no longer just stiff, I was in agonzing pain, didn't sleep all night... I went through three days of pain before I called the chiropractor who only had an appointment available in a week...

Hectic, hectic, hectic.

I'm not in the mood of finding myself a place to eat on Shabbos so I'm planning on making my own home meal. Hate doing that. Makes you feel like a real loner, but so does calling four hundred families in search of some challah and chicken soup.

What a week. Whew. Time for a deep breath.

And... Another One!

2007-06-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

Yep. Another one. Another friend became a kallah today. Okay, granted, I had time to swallow this one. I was the first one who suggested the match, and I knew they were dating. It's always weird when you know both sides, it gets you thinking, trying to imagine how in the world your friend is going to fit into your other friend's family. Strange. The whole thing. Just strange.

Let me tell you a little about this family. When I first moved here I met them through their daughter (the kallah) and slowly became close with the whole family. They took me on as one of their own, calling me to come for supper, shabbosim, etc. They are my family and my support system, I really love them.

The father has taken on the responsibility of marrying me off. Every so often something comes up and it always gets directed to him. Today his daughter got engaged. Obviously I'm thrilled to pieces, I feel like my sister became a kallah. I'm beyond excited but there is just a tinge of jealousy over here in my little heart. I'm not jealous of her because she's engaged, I'm jealous because sometimes I wish, I just wish that I had a family like that. That when I get engaged my family all gathers and is beyond happy like hers was. It's nice to be accepted into someone else's family, in fact, it's a lifesaver, but when a simcha like this happens it's a not-so-gentle reminder of what I don't have. Not easy.

Didn't you invite me?

2007-06-02T22:21:00.001-07:00

I got two invitations for shabbos meals this week, both by newlywed friends to their parents house. My married friends know that I don't enjoy sharing shabbos meals with them and they consistently try to convince me to change, so this shabbos I accepted both invitations. Big mistake. Friday night the newlyweds showed up after the soup, and on Shabbos day they showed up after the cholent. And they wonder why I don't like eating with them. Well maybe if they actually showed up to the meal I'd enjoy more. They just don't get it.

Getting Started

2007-06-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's not my style to venture into something new, but it is my style to put my thoughts into writing, so here I am venturing into something new. For anyone that stumbles onto this blog for any reason, welcome to my little world of teaching, singlehood, frustrations, and every so often insights and inspiration.